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Top 10 reasons why Beer is better than Religion:
- 10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
- 9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
- 8. Beer has never caused a major war.
- 7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
- 6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
- 5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.
- 4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
- 3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.
- 2. You can prove you have a Beer.
- 1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop..
Moses, Jesus, and an old, bearded man were out playing golf one day.
Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted, and it rolled to the other side-safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto the green.
The third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. From there it bounces onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolls down into the gutter, down the downspout, out onto the fairway and right toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, it hits a little stone and bounces out over the water and onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball. . .which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one!
Moses then turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."
A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?" "I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"
An atheist said to a Quaker, "Have you ever seen God? Have you ever felt God? Have you ever smelled God? And you say you have a God!" After a long pause, the Quaker replied, "Hast thou ever seen thy brains? Hast thou ever felt thy brains? Hast thou ever smelled thy brains? And thou sayest thou hast brains!"
It seems that historical religious leaders (between moments of dispensing wisdom) had also learned software programming.
One day, a great contest was held to test their skills.
After days and days of fierce competition, only two leaders remained for the last day's event: Jesus and The Buddah.
The judge described the software application required for the final test, and gave the signal to start writing code.
The two contestants feverishly typed away on their keyboards. Routines, classes, applets and applications flew on their screens at incredible speeds. Windows, dialogs, and other intricate graphics began forming on their monitors. The clock showed that the contest would soon be finished.
Suddenly, a bolt of lightening flashed and the power went out.
After a moment it came back on - just in time for the clock to indicate that the last competition was over.
The judge asked the two contestants to reveal their finished software. The Buddah shrugged and said that he'd lost it all in the power outage. The judge turned to the other competitor. Jesus smiled, clicked a mouse and a dazzling application appeared on his screen.
Later, reporters, writing up the event summarized the victory as simply:
Jesus saves.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . . they are cramming for their finals.
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother? The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again---but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and gasps at the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?
By the way, I HIGHLY recommend the movie "Dogma" written and directed by Keven Smith. Brilliantly irreverent! Easily the funniest movie I've seen in decades. Also it is interesting to see what pisses people off about the movie... Dogma hate mail Ideas are better than beliefs.